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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006, 03:38 pm

Mom had guests for lunch yesterday and wanted me to come over, so I did. My cousin, Mark, was there, as was a lady named Judy whom my mother introduced as 'Mark's aunt.' Judy had a little boy with her, who was introduced as 'Mark's cousin, Ethan.'

We made it halfway through lunch before Mom said casually, out of the blue, "Ethan is Judy's grandson."

I'd figured that; Judy was a year ahead of my mother in schoool which would put her in her late fifties or early sixties. I doubted the eight-year-old child was her son. I nodded politely and didn't mention that, though.

Mom continued, "Judy has a son and a daughter. Ethan is her daughter's son."

Yeah. I know where this is going, too.

"Judy has three grandchildren."

*stops eating and glares at mother*

"I have three grandcats."

"Mom, if you're starting this again, I'm leaving."

With a badly feigned expression of innocence, Mom said, "I was just making conversation."

She's starting to bring this subject up at least once a week. I'm about to remind her that I'm not married and tell her to be careful what she wishes for.
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
[info]pern_dragon

Indeed! Gah, feel free to shoot back with a, "Sure, mum, I'll get right on that. Gee, which random unsuitable stranger would be best to knock me up tonight?" *rolls eyes* I'm sorry she's pressuring you. *hugs*
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

I don't know what got her on this kick. I've always been aware that she wants to have grandchildren, but this business of nagging about it is starting to get on my nerves. The last time she did this, I popped off with something about if I turn thirty and haven't gotten married and had kids yet, I'd look into artificial insemination. She seemed to consider this a perfectly logical response to turning thirty and being unmarried and childless.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 04:02 am (UTC)
[info]elliek_21

I popped off with something about if I turn thirty and haven't gotten married and had kids yet, I'd look into artificial insemination. She seemed to consider this a perfectly logical response to turning thirty and being unmarried and childless.


AAAAAGGGGGG!!!

*hugs Jen* Lady, I know exactly how you feel! I used to get crap like this all the time from my older family members. Now, I say proudly "I am thirty, single, and have no children!" I am not a hag, nor am I pathetic and lonely! I am who I want to be at the moment.

I actually pity people who are getting married. Not mature people who have their own lives and are separate, complete people mind you, but the cookie-cutter 18-22 year old girls I go to school with. Poor little fools! The only thing on their minds is the rock on their finger, and they can't utter a complete sentence withtou mentioning "the fiance" or the wedding plans. Yuck! Grow up and get a life, bitches! What is the fucking rush?

Shit, Jen, I could seriously start on a rant right now, but I will hold my tounge --er, fingers.

You are awesome!
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC)
[info]sophierom

You handled that so much better than I would have!

And besides, your mom should be thrilled to have grandcats. Cats are so much more low maintenance than kids!
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:14 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

That's what I say!

Good lord. It's not as though I mope around wishing I had a family of my own. I'm pretty vocal in expressing my preference to be exactly as I am-- single and childless. I don't like being in a relationship, and I really don't like children very much.
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 09:21 pm (UTC)
[info]islandsmoke

*g*

{{hugs}}

(Thanks deceased mother once more for never putting her expectations on me.)

I'm sorry, I have no (acceptable) words with which to express myself!
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

My mother never did this before, but it's popped up in the last couple of months. I don't know if turning 27 was some magical threshold or what, but suddenly, she takes every opportunity to tell me how many grandkids so-and-so has.

I'm like 'Well, bully for them.'
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 09:22 pm (UTC)
[info]closetravenclaw

I'm about to remind her that I'm not married and tell her to be careful what she wishes for.

Exactly, then you would here the nagging of how you weren't married. Moms are an enigma. I got nagged about marriage, then about having kids (which became really hurtful after trying for two years, being reminded of everyone who was pregnant already). Then nagging me to only have one, becasue she only had one. I hate to say that getting married and having kids does not stop them 'making conversation'.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:19 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

My mother is one of six children, and she wants me to have a family on that scale. The very idea gives me hives.

And I'm already hearing some of the nagging about meeting someone and settling down.

*grumbles*

First of all, it's not that simple. This isn't like me procrastinating about having my oil changed, you know? I stick a toe in the dating pool every few months and find it no different from the last time I tried. Right now, I doubt that I will ever marry or have children unless I make some other huge change in my life (like moving to a different city).
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 09:22 pm (UTC)
[info]_grainne_

Offer to buy her a cat of her very own...;-)

Seriously though, you have my sympathy. Family expectations can be so maddening, and it must be doubly so when your Mom is expressing them in front of company.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:22 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

She chooses her arenas very carefully. I'm not nearly as likely to tell her to go to hell in front of company. When she does that to me in private, I either tell her to butt out or I launch into the unabridged defense, complete with 'so, what? You want me to marry some loser just so I can have kids and get a divorce? Because why don't you go ask your peers who have grandkids how many of their kids are still married. The statistics aren't that encouraging.'
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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 09:51 pm (UTC)
[info]snegurochka_lee

Argh. I feel your pain. Fortunately, my mother seems to believe that lesbians aren't capable of reproduction, so I've been off the hook since coming out to her. That's nice. *eyeroll*
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:27 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

You know, it's hard enough without her nagging. Really, around here, girls get married and have kids. That's the way it works here. You get married as soon as you're out of high school, have kids, get divorce, struggle for ten years and fight for child support, then finally find a 'decent job' making just above minimum wage.

I decided when I was in high school that I wasn't doing that, and I've never regretted not running off with the first guy I ever kissed. But damned if I don't feel like an utter failure when I see my classmates with their 8- and 9-year-old kids in tow (haven't had my ten-year high school reunion yet, mind you.)

And now she's in on it?

*grumbles*
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 01:09 am (UTC)
[info]jen_deben

How does not having kids make you a failure? Having kids that are a burden to you, rather than a joy, is a failure. I really believe it's unethical to have children that you don't 100% want, adore, and are ready to make sacrifices for.

You made the right choice, IMO. No one has the right to pressure you into making such a profound decision lightly or prematurely.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 02:21 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

It's a socially conditioned response.

Even at work, there's a certain degree of 'well, your accomplishments aren't as impressive as they would be if you'd managed this while juggling a family. Anyone can climb to the top if they have no other obligations.'

It's just the way it is around here. Women get married and have kids. It's what they do. Everything else is afterthought/icing on the cake.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 04:09 am (UTC)
[info]elliek_21

and I've never regretted not running off with the first guy I ever kissed.

Amutherfuckingmen!

... But damned if I don't feel like an utter failure when I see my classmates with their 8- and 9-year-old kids in tow

*nods*

I have my moments too. Everyone, and I mean everyone, I went to high school with is married, and most of them have kids. They seem happy, but who really knows? I was cruising MySpace and looking up people I used to know. They have pictures and stories about their families, blah, blah, blah! It can be difficult to be unlike ones ex peers. I think turning 30 actually cured me of most of that, though. It was truly liberating to leave my twenties.

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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
[info]claraminutes

That was rude of her. In private is one thing; infront of others is completely different. Not that she should be bringing it up in the first place. *hugs* Sorry, dear.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

Oh, she does it in front of others on purpose. I'm more polite in my responses in front of other people.

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Sun, Sep. 17th, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)
[info]apricot_tree

Or find a male accomplice and have him dress really scroungy. "Hi Mom, I found someone to father children!"
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 02:17 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

You know, I've got one one of those in my 'little black book'. He can't seem to hold down a job, he has three earrings, an eyebrow ring, two nipple rings and a tongue ring, and four or five tattoos. That might shut her up.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 03:08 am (UTC)
[info]apricot_tree

Especially if he's in one of those leather vests that exposes his assets. Rent a motorcycle to show up on.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 12:13 am (UTC)
[info]jen_deben

*snerk* Oh, I'm so sorry, but I do find that story really amusing. Of course, it's only funny because it wasn't happening to me...

You really did handle yourself very well. I'm not sure I would have had the guts to shut down the conversation so unflinchingly. You rock! :D
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 02:18 am (UTC)
[info]dazzleberry

If I'd thought about it, I probably wouldn't have, but it was probably for the best. I doubt it would have been a comfortable conversation for my cousin or his aunt to be privy to.
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 06:55 am (UTC)
[info]foudebassan

Return the nagging to her and say that if she'd had more children herself, she might have grandchildren now? That you being woefully unsuited to dating and catching Prince Charming can't be anything else than a failure on her part to bring you up properly?
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Mon, Sep. 18th, 2006 06:36 pm (UTC)
[info]apisa_b

My mom never nagged about children - but other relatives did. What about a second child? Every time they met me.

At a certain point I let in a conversation drop how painful it must be for women who can't conceive anymore to be reminded of that fact every now and then by people who cannot be privy to that fact ... funny enough, nobody asks me anymore :-)
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